I woke up in such a good mood this-morning. To be honest, I have had a spring in my step the last few mornings but today I felt deeply joyful. No idea why. Nothing particularly exciting has happened and I had a fairly ‘normal’ day planned. It could be the focus on a healthier, vitamin rich, caffeine free diet which is putting a bounce in my step. Perhaps writing this blog is doing wonders in terms of getting clarity every single day on where I am at in my life. Maybe it’s the bunnies and robins in the garden. Who knows, but I am loving it.
It’s funny. When I feel deeply happy, I question why. Isn’t that weird? Sadly it would suggest that to be happy is not a normal state of being. And, I guess it’s not. I don’t mean that I walk around a total misery guts all the time. I do have my bad days. Sometimes I have really bad days! But I wouldn’t say that I am unhappy most of the time. It’s just that to feel this happy is actually quite new to me. The general stress, go go go, mentally taxing, financially challenging, domestically uninspiring stuff that occurs day-to-day can, quite understandably, mean that we are not bouncing off the walls with excitement for life. The thing is, as blogged before, I do not believe anymore that life is hard. And I stick by my opinion that living in conscious awareness and gratitude plays a massive role in your perception of what is stressful and challenging in your day-to-day existence. And yet, even with those beliefs, I found myself questioning my own happiness today!
I have thought about this quite a bit today and have come to the conclusion that it is all down to conditioning. I grew up in a ‘happy’ family to the outside world but what was really going on under the surface was extreme unhappiness, depression, anxiety and addiction. I didn’t know anything else so to me, as a young girl, that was all normal. The fact that my parents remained married (until I was in my late teens), we had a nice house near the beach, lots of pets, a great school, good friends etc meant that my family ticked all the boxes that would suggest a ‘happy family’. I thought it did too and in some ways we were. It wasn’t all doom and gloom by any stretch. But, boy did it come as a shock when I entered the world on my own to discover all the s*** I had been carrying about because actually, pretty fundamental areas of my life were far from happy. No blame, no issue (anymore!), it was what it was. It is what it is. Aaaaanyway….what I am trying to get to is the idea that I wasn’t ever conditioned to understand that deep contentment and happiness could be a way of life. It could be a totally normal way of being. Which is why these feelings feel so new to me. And, I guess I am a little scared to lose it.
It may appear, rather flippantly, that I had a miraculous ‘light bulb moment’ today. I am not suggesting that for a second. Trust me, this new awareness did not happen in the space of a few hours this-afternoon…..it is a result of years of learning and ever deepening self understanding. It’s what being daring and mighty is all about – vigilant self awareness. Marching forward with eyes wide open. I tell you, it’s not for the faint hearted. Ah, but the rewards are amazing. I am HAPPY!
* Pic is of a ‘happy’ child!!
