Throughout my adult life, I have been ‘edge of bread-crumb girl’. That girl died this week as I claimed the truth that I am supported and deserving of that support.
Let me explain.
It’s been a tough couple of weeks. The mentoring / coaching profession is not for the faint of heart! No siree! To do my work at the highest level, it is imperative that I continue to grow. To invest in myself. To put myself through the paces. With that, the Universe never tires of sending me new lessons to navigate and sometimes they are seriously painful. Often both emotionally AND physically.
I recently decided to up-level my business and that started with hiring some new coaches and various experts to support my venture, all of which would be a financial and logistical stretch. It would also mean the growth of me and the business. Tick and tick. There was one very specific area of my business that I decided to hire professional help with. The Universe heard my plea for support and immediately someone came to me. We spoke and hand on heart I didn’t feel we were quite the right fit. That didn’t make sense though because this person had demonstrably good qualifications and was well respected. I ignored my gut and rather than look for other options, I pressed forward and hired the help.
Introducing, ‘edge of bread-crumb’ girl.
I had been so starved of support for the majority of my life (due to conditioned beliefs and programming which kept me independent, capable and strong) that when it came to making a decision to get support, I discovered I was famished. It was like I was so gut wrenchingly hungry that I grabbed the first, mouldy loaf of bread I saw and stuffed it ruthlessly into my mouth rather than walk a few extra yards for a freshly baked loaf. I went for the loaf that would cause me stomach pain rather than wait for the loaf that would truly satiate me. I was so starved of support that I grabbed the first thing I saw and convinced myself I could ‘make it work’. This person and I were not an energetic match (and I can see we were brought together to learn a valuable lesson). We were not on the same wave-length. So much so that we literally didn’t hear each other. We may as well have been speaking different languages. And still we pushed on. Both ‘trying’ to make it work. Both incredibly uncomfortable. The discomfort was painful and our relationship ended badly. It was not pretty and we both felt dreadful.
What this experience showed me like a slap in the face was that fear has held me back from getting proper support throughout my entire adult life. Whether that be in business, from a partner or friend, even from myself. Fear of a gazzillion different things. Fear of being let down. Fear of there not being enough to go around. Fear of being disappointed. Fear that I am not loveable. Fear that I am too much. Fear that I am not enough. I could go on and on. Even though I took the decision to create support for myself, I went into it having not quite conquered (perhaps ‘accepted with compassion’ is a better way to express that) the fears and so they were given a platform for deeper healing.
Coinciding with all of this was a lower back issue that required physical healing. I knew there was an emotional link and it turned out that my hip had literally twisted out of alignment as my body decided it was time to bring up an old emotional wound for deeper healing. Our body has a memory and I believe my lower back had stored trauma associated with my Mum’s suicide 17 years ago. Apparently it was time for that to be healed more deeply and would you believe, the memory that surfaced was directly aligned to not feeling supported. Indeed, the sudden loss of my Mum did leave me feeling abandoned, unsupported and unsafe.
There truly are no co-incidences in this life.
So a working relationship and my physical health combined to create an undeniable opportunity for growth. I could ignore it, push forward, numb the pain (wine and tv usually does the trick) and hope it would go away (which we know would only result in being bitten even harder on the bum later on!). Or, square-up to the opportunity with love and FEEL into it. And my, my did it hurt. But, do you know what? Effing awesome things are around the corner because I have cleared a ginormous block. My awareness has increased ten-fold and in choosing to let go of ‘edge of bread-crumb’ girl- in letting that part of me die – I have created the space for a newly empowered, totally supported and more loving woman to rise to life.
Love conquers all. We ARE love. So, when I recognised that fear was still running the show, the only solution was to ask love to step in. With love I could see the professional situation with clarity. There was no blame. Neither of us were right or wrong. We were brought together for the purpose of soul evolution. Pretty cool, huh! My back is healing beautifully and I am inspired again.
Interestingly, new opportunities for support are already coming my way and I am considering my options (awaiting the fresh loaf, if you will!). It feels very Daring & Mighty. Just as it should be. I deserve it.
What do YOU deserve this week? How are YOU being supported?