Today’s message is an invitation, imploring you to stop presuming to know what others want, think or feel because it is a major source of your disempowerment.
Making other people’s words (or silence), actions (or non-action) and attention (or lack of it) mean something about you is sabotaging your life.
I recently experienced the abandonment of a friend. She totally went off the radar despite me reaching out again and again.
What was interesting for me to notice was my reaction to this.
Her lack of contact was heartbreaking for me – not least because I made it mean that perhaps I was a horrible person and not a good friend. I questioned and doubted myself.
The energy drain from feeling like that was enormous! I exhausted myself through ruminating and having pretend conversations in my head. It made me feel pretty low and disempowered because I abandoned myself.
Then it dawned on me – I was stuck in the pattern of caring what someone else thought of me rather than hooking into what I thought of me and how I felt and how I could be there for me.
(And let’s be real – can we ever really presume to know what someone else thinks or feels!? Who do we think we are to have that kind of power!? Food for thought, right!)
I had made her lack of contact mean there was something wrong with me rather than connecting to whether it was ok for me to have a friend that would treat me with such little regard and respect. I remembered to ask myself, do I value a friendship like that? Is it ok for me to be treated like that? The answer was, no.
We learn to disempower ourselves in this way at a very young age (of-course, we don’t know we are doing it). As children we absorb our parents words and actions and they form our opinions and value of ourself. We go on into adulthood looking outside of ourselves for validation (rather than cultivating that value within) because no-one showed us another way (we teach you how at The School of Self Love).
For a short while I had fallen into the autopilot of my childhood. I had forgotten that as an adult woman who knows and loves herself, I get to choose whether I want to believe what someone says about me (often it’s actually about them – relationships are mirrors). I get to choose to believe what their attention, or lack of attention means about me. And I get to choose what I am available to receive or allow into my life.
For a brief moment I had forgotten that life happens for us, not to us. Within this painful experience was a gift – an opportunity for deep healing, transformation and growth!
Friends reflect back to us where we are at and this experience showed me that some of the abandonment I experienced in childhood needed deeper healing. The tough stuff that shows up in our life is often a reflection of what we have not fully owned for ourselves. I received the gift and committed to the healing I was being invited into. That’s self-love in action, by the way 😉
Also worth noting is that a few weeks ago I set the intention to improve upon and expand my female friendships (I talk about this in the interview below). The Universe has eyes and ears! My desire was heard and this experience showed me where a friendship needed shifting and how I could show up differently within my other friendships by getting very clear on what I expected from my special mates.
It is humbling for me to share how I allowed myself to be so disempowered in this experience. I am equally proud of how I turned it around quickly (once upon a time I would have been flawed by such an experience for months) and remembered my truth – that I am an empowered, self loving woman who is committed to her personal growth.
We all need to course correct sometimes!
I am grateful to have my self-love and transformational tool belt (which includes a coach) so I know what to do when course correction is required. I no longer need to stay stuck for long or have my entire world turn up-side down when I hit a bump in the road. Sometimes life throws curve balls. Sometimes we forget all we have learned. Sometimes we think we have healed something and yet there is a little more to do – and that’s ok!
The School of Self Love is here to support you on your own journey. No matter what stage you are at, the right level of support is here for you. I invite you to reach out and let me know how we can guide you. CLICK HERE to secure a conversation directly with me to explore where you are at and what you need.
With much love and transformation,
Founder of The School of Self Love
PS. If you are interested to explore how The School of Self Love can support your journey home to you, CLICK HERE and let’s speak!