How available are you ‘really’ to be with someone!?
Often, we think we are ready. So ready! And we do all the things and go on all the apps and try our darnedest to meet him (which was my experience) but it just doesn’t happen.
Can you relate at all with this scenario?
It is often the case that what is going on is a lack of full availability on your part to be in a relationship. Maybe there’s fear lurking under the surface. Perhaps there are subconscious beliefs that are telling you that you are not enough on some level to be in the kind of relationship you want. Maybe you are petrified of really opening up to someone because you have trust issues with men and past hurt that is still in your heart.
For Clarissa, it was a fear of not being available to her son if she got into a relationship. He needed her. The juggle of a demanding full-time job and a young son while also settling into a new country after a massive relocation meant she had a lot on her hands!
She was dating and only attracting unavailable guys. Truth was, she was unavailable. So, they were an energetic match!
Watch my full interview with Clarissa as she shares what she did to call in her man.
This conversation was part of my ‘Next Level Love’ Interview series, and I have a feeling it will reveal to you various ways that you could be blocking yourself to calling in your person.
I made some notes for you too because these are nuggets, I don’t want you to miss.
THE TURNING POINT
Clarissa had a difficult childhood with a narcissistic father that came in and out of her life and whom she and her mum were afraid of.
She lacked good male role models and learned to conform to men and to fear the masculine.
At 23 years old she married a much older man – twice her age – and while he was a good person, they were at very different life stages and there was an inequality in their relationship. On reflection, it’s easy to see that Clarissa was healing some ‘dad stuff’ in that relationship which positively led her to feel empowered enough to break away and carve out her own path instead of being controlled (as she was by her parents growing up). She stepped up into a career that felt really aligned with her without being held back by anyone else.
It wasn’t long before she started dinner dating again and she met her second husband. He was a man with a huge personality and in the middle of a messy, acrimonious divorce. Clarissa found herself pregnant (when she was walking away from the relationship) and she decided her baby deserved a dad. She married and persisted with a relationship that was never quite right – largely from a place of obligation and doing the right thing. Unfortunately, the relationship was always strained and when her husband’s business went bankrupt, it all slowly crumbled, and they lost everything.
At the same time, Clarissa had a six-year-old, her mum deteriorated with dementia, and she began a challenging journey with perimenopause.
“The rug had been pulled from under me”, reflected Clarissa.
After her mum died, she relocated to Australia and yearned for a man to save her (which we can reflect on and know isn’t a healthy energy to date from). She tried dating apps only to be met with man after man that was damaged and not available to her in some way.
Clarissa was an optimist when it came to dating in mid-life but slowly, she became hardened and cynical.
Perimenopausal anxiety, exhaustion, high blood pressure and the stress of a big job led Clarissa to mindfulness training.
Mindfulness – Self-reflection was key for Clarissa. She spent time reflecting on who she was, what she wanted and where she was going. Her meditation and yoga practice also became important.
Self-Compassion – This was a hugely difficult journey for Clarissa. She only knew how to relate to people in a transactional way and she desired to learn to relate differently which had to start with herself.
Detox From Dating – Clarissa set the intention not to date and instead to focus on her inner work for five years. She decided that her life would no longer depend on being with someone else. She made herself the centre of her life.
THE ‘MEET CUTE’
They met on Tinder!
Their first date was at an art gallery and involved very open and honest conversation. He shared all of himself with her – from his bi-polar disorder and various other problems he had experienced in his life.
Clarissa no longer attracted unavailable men! He was completely and instantly available to her.
They were married and now live together in a home they are renovating in Sweden.
NEXT LEVEL LOVE
It’s so beautiful to witness how Clarissa’s journey with self-compassion had her call in a relationship that required compassion from day one.
Compassion is the foundation of their relationship. Built upon this is full availability to each-other, equality, support, giving and receiving, forthright communication, spontaneity, and joy.
He teaches her to speak up and set boundaries. She supports him in being fully himself. It’s a truly empowering relationship.
They continue to grow together as they experience the dance of masculine and feminine.
I was so inspired by Clarissa, and I trust you will be too!
If this conversation inspires you then please do come and join my next ‘Meet Your Soul Mate’ Challenge. It’s totally FREE!!
My 5 day challenge reveals how entrepreneurial single women can boost self-confidence, self-trust and self-worth TO ATTRACT YOUR SOUL MATE by taking you on an empowering journey home to your Daring & Mighty Self.
Register for the next live, virtual and FREE event here: https://katiephillips661.lpages.co/meet-your-soul-mate/
Hope to see you there!